Those high school breakups can be a real shock to the system. But have you ever had someone break up with you and announce they were cheating, all using a song? That’s what happened to Jamaican artist Naomi Cowan. Yes, she is the daughter of reggae greats Carlene Davis and Tommy Cowan. Once someone sends you Usher’s “Burn” as a statement of where they’re at in the relationship, all you can do is let it burn.
Links:
Stream Naomi Cowan’s Star Girl EP and the Star Girl mixtape presented by Walshy Fire and Major Lazer. She also just released a holiday song, her take on “Santa Claus Do You Ever Come to the Ghetto?” with her mom, Carlene.
Courtney has endless breakup mixes, this is one on Spotify partly inspired by the guy who dumped her with a Blur song.
If you’re feeling bummed out about love, Courtney suggested listening to Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again.”
Show highlights:
00:35: The story of this on-again/off-again relationship and Usher, who notoriously wrote an album about cheating on and breaking up with his then-girlfriend Chilli from TLC.
04:35: And what happened when Naomi got back together with that guy.
06:14: Courtney’s story of when she got dumped by a song. In her 30s.
08:20: How Naomi’s love life influences her songwriting.
13:38: When Naomi realized she was ready to find love again and immediately gets ghosted.
Transcript:
Melissa: Hello, I’m Melissa Locker.
Courtney: And I’m Courtney E. Smith.
Melissa: Welcome to Songs My Ex Ruined, the show where we talk about songs that have been ruined by our exes.
Naomi Cowan: Hey everybody. My name is Naomi Cowan. I am a singer, songwriter, and creative from Jamaica, and I love to make music and I love to perform it.
Melissa: Naomi, I understand that you have a song that has been completely ruined for you by an ex, and I was wondering if you could tell us what that was and then we will do our best to commiserate.
Naomi Cowan: There’s a song called “Let It Burn” and it was on this album that he had called Confessions. I was in high school. It was a very serious relationship for me at the time. It was the first person I called my boyfriend. I’ll never forget it because two things were happening. My friends and I were, we were all going out to a party. And I knew all of us, like everyone was gonna be there at the same party, meaning my boyfriend was gonna be there. His friends, my friends — we were getting ready and I just remember like him sending me a message. You know, like, “Hey, this song is really where I’m at right now,” or something weird like that. And when I listen to it, the song is saying like, I have to let this relationship burn. [He was] cheating the whole time.
Courtney: That whole album is about him cheating on and breaking up with Chilli from TLC.
Naomi Cowan: I know. Who is, I mean, she’s just incredible. Right? So…
Courtney: She’s unbelievably beautiful, talented, a genius.
Naomi Cowan: Exactly.
Melissa: So good.
Naomi Cowan: Yes. And then I think that was his way of trying to tell me too, that he was cheating on me. Which he was.
Courtney: Wow.
Melissa: Wow.
Courtney: Oh boy.
Naomi Cowan: He was cheating on me. And he did end up being in a relationship with the girl he was cheating on me with.
Courtney: Wow. But I definitely wouldn’t be able to listen to that again after that song again after that.
Naomi Cowan: I know. It was during the time in our lives where a lot of people were becoming more and more sexually active and whatever, right? So I know for a fact that I remember when he and I were dating, I wasn’t ready. But I knew he felt ready. And so, I think for him, he really should have just said, “Hey, listen, like I want to take this next step. I’m not gonna force you. And I found someone who wants to go there with me.” That’s really what was going on, to be honest, cause I just wasn’t ready with him. I think for me, I was actually kind of grateful because I do have this very strange ability to let things go. Sometimes I was hurt, but then I had a great time at that party cause I was like, “Well, pressure’s off of me.”
Melissa: You’re almost making me feel glad, grateful for the guy who dumped me because I was a virgin. Like it almost makes me feel grateful.
Naomi Cowan: That’s exactly what it was. But at the same time it was, it still was hurtful to know that that was happening behind my back. Cause it’s also embarrassing, right? I grew up in a very small town, so everybody knows everybody. Once you go to like similar high schools in the same neighborhood, you know? So I think that part was more painful to me. It was like just the blatant disrespect more than, so him wanting to go in another direction. Man, you are going behind my back. Like everybody knew we were toge— I just didn’t like that part of it, that felt way more dishonoring.
Melissa: Totally.
Naomi Cowan: So, for sure, I couldn’t listen to that album or that song.
Melissa: Do you remember the first time you heard that song after the breakup?
Naomi Cowan: Well, thankfully, that wasn’t a club-bopping song, so I don’t think it’s… somewhere I would… it’s not a song I would hear other than, like, you know, like the music video playing on TV or something like that, you know? It’s one of those songs that they play at the end of a party when you’re trying to get everybody to go home. So I actually don’t hear it often, so I got saved from the triggers for sure.
Melissa: It’s not gonna like show up on some sort of like sexy time playlist.
Naomi Cowan: Exactly.
Melissa: Why are you crying? Why are you crying?
Courtney: When it comes on do you find that you go through this whole gamut of processing that it’s taken you years to go through? And feel all those feelings that you’re talking about with us right now?
Naomi Cowan: I just kind of look back at it, and I just kinda shake my head, you know. Meaning, I guess we all have to go through it. I would’ve never thought that I would’ve experienced that. I tried to be super honest with people that I’m close to. In a way, I feel bad, but I feel better about myself at the same time, too, because I’m just more like, “I’m thankful that didn’t become a thing.” Because you know how, how in love you are with some of the first people that you’ve ever dated and stuff.
Courtney: God, yes. The emotions are overwhelming when you’re a teenager. It’s consuming.
Naomi Cowan: But it’s more bittersweet. I’m like, oh, that’s terrible, but you know what? I’m actually really happy, right? But me and that guy actually got back together like a year later.
Courtney: Yep.
Naomi Cowan: But we dated again the second time, [I] still got cheated on multiple times again.
Courtney: Oh no.
Melissa: Wait, wait. So did you break up with him?
Naomi Cowan: Yeah, that second time around. By this time, I’m in university [and] it was long distance. I just remember getting to a point of exhaustion. We had back and forth, broken up, gotten back together. Information kept coming to me. It was just so easy for me to find stuff out that was happening behind my back. And I was on the phone with one of my big sisters, her name is Sara. And I was like, “You know, Sara, I’m tired. This is exhausting. I’m exhausted.” I said, ” I don’t know if I have any more to give.” And so I remember just being like, I’m gonna, I’m gonna end this. I can’t, you know, and kind of just detached.
Melissa: Okay, so I am a petty bitch. And you seem like a very nice person. So when you decided you were gonna break up with him, did you immediately start flipping through the Usher catalog to find the perfect song to send to him?
Naomi Cowan: I love you. No, I didn’t. One thing I’ve noticed within myself whenever I do get to that point of being ready to move on from something, I am so calm, and I’m so just like at peace with my choice that I actually am almost way too diplomatic. Which probably can be more frustrating to the receiving party.[It] comes off as if I don’t care or have any feeling, you know? It seems like, she doesn’t feel anything anymore, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they want a reaction. They want some visceral tears and this and that.
Courtney: Can I tell you that this whole conversation is making me have flashbacks because a man did this to me also, a breakup via a song. Except, except he was not a teenager. We were in our 30s. Like this is some bullshit.
Melissa: That was!
Courtney: Guys, guys can stay on this tip for a long time of not using their big boy words. Boy, can that go on for a long time. I think there are women that can be that way too.
Melissa: Courtney, I’m dying to know what song.
Courtney: Blur’s “To the End.” And I mean, it’s a beautiful cinematic song, but nobody— it’s such an obvious choice to say this relationship’s over. But here’s— but after that faded out, we stayed friendly. And I asked him about it, maybe a decade later. And he was like, “Oh, I didn’t really mean for the message to be that we should break up.” And I’m just like, “I’m sorry. Have you heard the lyrics to the song that you sent? Did we have a breakup based in miscommunication about what a song meant? Is that possible?” No, I think he was just trying to rewrite history.
Naomi Cowan: Still not being honest.
Courtney: Mm-hmm. still not being honest
Melissa: I have several friends who are men who do not listen to song lyrics at all.
Courtney: Men seem to rarely listen to the lyrics to songs. They rarely seem to know what songs say.
Melissa: They could send you a song that is just like, “I never want to see you again, And they’ll be like, “Beautiful melody, made me think of you.”
Naomi Cowan: Please don’t think of me when you hear this.
Courtney: Yes, please be done thinking of me forever. Love it.
Courtney: So let’s circle back and have you tell us what you’re working on right now.
Naomi Cowan: I am coming to the end of one year, and focusing on just promoting my Star Girl EP and getting back on this normal life, hopefully. And then also just getting, getting back into the studio as well to focus on my next album.
Courtney: On your next album, have you been writing anything that’s inspired by any romantic liaisons in your life by chance?
Naomi Cowan: Always, always. I tend to take moments or small experiences and then build upon them, pretty much embellish the shit out of it, and make it, you know, into something really grand. So my most popular songs is called “Paradise Plum.” It was inspired by a hang with a guy that turned into like a bit of a date. We were hanging out cuz we had mutual friends, and we met up, and we just went for coffee. And it was just one of those days where we kept saying, well, do you want to go to this place? And then do you want to go here? And we just ended up going to multiple spots, right? In over a six-hour period. And it was just really cool being able to feel so comfortable with someone. We were in Toronto, and Toronto has a lot of really beautiful public spaces. And we’re sitting in a park, but we didn’t talk for like five or 10 minutes. But it wasn’t awkward at all, being present in the moment.
Naomi Cowan: And so in my song, “Paradise Plum,” the lyrics of the hook say, “You know me, like you knew we never had to say a word, not a sound. Silence ” So it was just saying like there was a familiarity between us, where we never needed to say much or ask the other person too many small questions or try to fill up the empty space. We were just okay with being in each other’s presence. And even though it’s not somebody that anything really deep or special happened with, and I didn’t really see him again after that cause he lived really far away, it just stood out to me. And I just thought it was so cool. And I was like, “That’s something I’d like to like put in my musical memory.” So thank you to that young gentleman in Toronto.
Courtney: I can relate to that feeling so hard. I got off dating apps just under a year ago, and, uh, the one thing I miss — they’re terrible, they’re awful, I hate ’em. But the one thing I miss was when you would occasionally go out on a date with somebody who you connected with or even just meet up with someone, and then it turns into a six- or eight-hour hang. And you’re having this connection and it’s like so rare, but it was so lovely when you get surprised with one of those.
Naomi Cowan: Exactly. It was just like, I was like, “This is nice.” The whole thing was so sweet to me, and I was like, this is how connection should be. So I kind of just took it as something that I want to always experience. And so, even now, I don’t even go on second dates if the first one isn’t organic like that.
Melissa: Yeah, and that would be such a great song. If someone did make a mixtape and sent that song to you, it would be so sweet. Like it’d just be like, oh, I feel the love.
Naomi Cowan: Yes, paradise.
Melissa: Okay, the opposite question: What song out of your whole catalog should no one ever send to someone they like.
Naomi Cowan: I actually have a couple of songs, guys. The song I would say, do not send to someone you do like, it’s called “Lucky Me.” And what it’s saying is, “lucky me, I’ve lost another one.” The story behind that song is, someone extremely close to me, kind of like a mentor of mine, he was going through a divorce. I remember one day I walked into the studio and we had already finished writing a song for the instrumental we were on. And I said to the producer, I was like, “Hey, do you mind if we try to write something different? I’m feeling a lot right now as it relates to this situation.” And even though it’s not my situation, it’s almost like I was embodying her emotions that day cause I was so close to her. The truth is there’s something to be gained from anything that you lose. So I think for me, it was just like painting the picture of seeing the glass half full, even though it was a terrible, terrible, toxic, toxic situation, right? So, kind of sassy in a way of saying, you know what? Lucky, I’m lucky I was able to get outta this when I did.
Melissa: Yeah, I would not want that showing up in my inbox.
Naomi Cowan: No, no.
Courtney: I was just gonna say, now I know what song to send if I decide to break up with my boyfriend.
Naomi Cowan: What I love about “Energy” is that song, sorry, I’m just rolling my eyes cuz of remembering why I wrote that.
Melissa: We could hear you roll your eyes.
Naomi Cowan: Could you hear all of the little pieces of my eyeball, like ripping? Um, but, so “Energy” is about the first time I’ve ever been ghosted.
Melissa: Oooooh.
Courtney: Ooh.
Naomi Cowan: So here’s the thing guys, a very unknown fact about me is that — you say you came off of dating apps for like a year, right? But I was celibate for a really long time for religious purposes at the time. I no longer practice that.
Melissa: You’re not a nun anymore.
Naomi Cowan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s not good for you, I don’t think. Even though I was celibate, I tried to date, but it’s just different when you’re dating with the intention of marriage. It’s just not the same. It’s way more intense. You take everything so seriously, so early. So I actually ended up not really dating anybody during that time, and so when I put myself back out there, the proverbial getting back out there, right?
Melissa: Is that your American accent?
Naomi Cowan: Yeah, that’s my Jamaican- my American accent.
Courtney: Amazing.
Naomi Cowan: So, I get back out there, and I forgot what men are like in general. Like how they think, how their brains work. You know, there’s some hacks. There’s some hacks to this heterosexual life, if you choose it.
Courtney: Absolutely. There’s some like red flags that you can use people real quick.
Naomi Cowan: Yes, and, and, and also like things you can pick up on or whatever. And I kind of came into this space with this, just this pure like lighthearted, like, “I’m ready for love.” My definition of ghosting prior to that was when you leave a party, you know when you leave a gathering and didn’t tell anybody you were going? Not knowing it actually meant like when someone just cuts off communication with you with no warning, don’t give you an explanation, nothing. And I try to be as honest and upfront with people when I’m dating and all that stuff. So it, it really, really fucked me up. Because, first of all, we were, you know, months into dating, right? This guy played no games with me. He didn’t do that texting game of, let me text her in three days, like none of that. Like there was consistency. When we traveled he would be like, “Hey, just landed. Hey, I’m getting on a plane.” Like there was no… cause we were just both settled enough in ourselves where it was, we didn’t have to do that. So, of course, naturally, we already have established a communication pattern. And then it just gets cut off. I get no explanation. Have no clue. You know? So for me, I feel like the word is, it’s so jarring, right? And it’s so off-putting when something like that happens, especially when I didn’t do anything to cause it. And, of course, then it makes you think, well, what did I do? It’s like solving this crazy mystery, and you’re literally, you’re driving yourself crazy.
Courtney: I mean, you’re just trying to give yourself closure.
Naomi Cowan: Exactly, exactly. And whew, I mean, I, I had never experienced it before and when I talked to a few friends about it, they’re like, oh yeah, like you got ghosted. And I was like, me?
Courtney: Excuse me?
Melissa: I just assume everyone’s dead. It’s so much easier.
Courtney: That’s nice. I love that. That’s a great outlook.
Naomi Cowan: Yeah, mean, I definitely, there was…
Melissa: You’re, you’re literally — ghost me? No, you’re literally a ghost. You’re clearly dead. That’s the only reason this would happen.
Naomi Cowan: Dead to me. Anyway, eventually, I had to let it go. And then he did come back around and apologize and explain as best as he could, whatever. But the point is, it really affected me, and it’s mainly because I’d never experienced it before. I learned so much through the experience. [The] main lesson was: don’t take shit personally. When people do things that are out of their character, it’s usually stuff to do with them. It has nothing to do with me.
Courtney: And so hard to internalize that though, as well.
Naomi Cowan: Right. And so empowering writing about it with another guy.
Courtney: Ah.
Naomi Cowan: Cause you’re getting a male perspective. Cause we co-wrote the song, right? Me and a producer. So it was like, it was just cool to talk through that with him, to get, maybe even get his perspective of what he would say to me as a female, as a friend, as a colleague. So, like one of the parts of the hook says, “Can’t nobody dim my light.” That song kind of kickstarted a lot of me tapping into like my, my energy as a, like my personal power in a big way. I can’t allow things like that to steal the glimmer of light that I have.
Melissa: Naomi, thank you so much for joining us today. Can you tell us where people can find you on the internet?
Naomi Cowan: Across all platforms. I am Naomi Cowan. So that’s N-A-O-M-I C-O-W-A-N. So yeah, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. TikTok, I am on and off.
Courtney: Thanks so much for being here, Naomi. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Songs My Ex Ruined. If you’re enjoying the podcast, give us a review or rating on your favorite app and it will really help. And hey, subscribe to get new episodes as soon as they drop.
Melissa: Songs My Ex Round is a production of Nevermind Media. Executive Producers are Melissa Locker and Courtney E. Smith. Produced and edited by Stephanie Aguilar. Sound design and theme song by Madeline McCormick. Artwork by Sophie Locker. Additional production support from Casey, Steve Archer, Bemo, Newton, and all the other good dogs and cats out there.
